1400cc Quadrozontal!

His Most Eminence (and noted Phoenician) Matt Farnham sent me this gem.

Is this not the oddest car ad you've ever seen?

As a person who has raised four Subarus in his life, it is particularly hard for me to comprehend someone thinking it shrewd to market them to turtleneck-wearing, yacht-enthusiast, self-styled playboys. And by using such strange, borderline creepy prose, replete with Oedipal innuendo, no less!

Let me attempt to translate these paragraphs for yous:

The Subaru GL Coupe. Like an independent-minded woman who needs to be put in her place.

You are a shallow, materialistic, self-absorbed male desperately in need of validation from women.

The Subaru GL Coupe wants you to fuck it.

This car has a great body. It wants to ride you. It wants to be your mommy.

Now you get on top.

Now it is time for you to be a commanding sexual partner. Pound her relentlessly. Put her into uncomfortable positions [quadrozontal, you see]. Dominate her. Overpower her and squeeze her breasts aggressively. Doing so will cause her to be more submissive. Soon you will experience simultaneous orgasm.

You have now broken her spirit and established dominion. Now you don't have to buy her drinks anymore.

But on a more automotive note: quadrozontal?!? What the falafel is that? And "relentless power"? A former girlfriend of mine had a Subaru exactly like the one in the ad, and I can say from experience that it was anything but relentless. You were lucky to maintain 30 mph going up even the slightest incline.

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