I was originally planning to vituperate at length about the names people are giving to their kids these days, but figured I'd probably just piss somebody off.

My wife's sister is deep into her second pregnancy. (She's the baby sister in more than one sense.) Over the phone this weekend, AP talked this sister into letting her play the guessing game about what the new papoose's handle will be.

Sister Katie and her man Adam did a heck of a job with the last one: Henry Holden McDougal. Man, that's a fucking name. H.H. McDougal sounds like a great author or something, eh? I call him Hank the Tank, of course.

Ennyhoo, this guessing game has Andrea obsessed with nomenclature for fresh human larva. She found this dandy site during her exhaustive Web research.

I'm glad you chose to pursue this topic, Haze. This is a hot issue nowadays. Yesterday I was reading Births section the Longmont, CO newspaper (to pass time at the in-laws, you understand) and verily was I fuming at the stupid shit people are naming their kids these days. One baby was named Kage. Another was Kolton, which to me sounds like a character in some lo-budget sci-fi flick. All afternoon I kept saying KOL-TON! KOL-TON! in my best alien overlord voice. "KOL-TON, ready the phasers and prepare for retrograde orbit!"

Moreover, one of my co-workers has a mom who is a librarian in the extreme yuppie zone of Highlands Ranch, CO, where Ford Expeditions outnumber people 5 to 1. She's been making a note of all the awful yuppie names she hears parents saying in the library, a'la, "Sienna, put the book down, honey. It's time to go. Where's your brothers Dakota and Fisher?"

Henry Holden McDougal. Man, that's a fucking name.

You're goddamn right it is. That kid's gonna be a Pulitzer Prize winner. People should be giving their kids names that have a little dignity, like your sister did. People should stop naming their kids as if they were nothing more than lifestyle accessories. Sienna, Dakota, Fisher... those are dog's names.

Of course, being named Yale, I'm highly sensitive to this matter.

By the way, that website is a goldmine! I've only read a smattering of the bad baby names, but Sharmonica and DeVodka... that puts all else to shame.

my conversion from boxers to boxer-briefs is now complete

what is a boxer brief? I myself could never get into boxers, too much movement. So as yet I am still a briefs man.

Boxer briefs are a sporty alternative to the traditional brief. As you can see, they resemble lycra cycling shorts, only these are cotton.

My mom had me wearing traditional briefs until pert' near 9th grade, at which time, inspired by Bruce Willis' character on "Moonlighting," (he was always prancing around in his boxers) I begged her to start buying me boxers. So I wore boxers from age 15 to just recently. The reason I switched out to boxer-briefs is that lately, for whatever reason, I've been experiencing really uncomfortable stickiness down there. To put it crudely, my garbage was sticking to my legs. It was causing me to do these really contorted ballerina-like maneuvers in public to try and unstick myself, much to Glenda's abject horror and embarrassment. I'd be in the grocery store looking like I was stretching for a marathon or something. The obvious solution would be Gold Bond, and I have been using that. But sometimes a brother finds that he needs an all-day solution, 'cause I sure as hell ain't gonna get caught powdering my balls in the company bathroom.

Anyway, these boxer-briefs are highly comfortable. I'm up to 8 pairs now.

Being a parent of a child recently born, we certainly found out about the latest fad concerning the name game.

What a nightmare.

I defitely have a taste for the more bizzare and interesting names, but for me it was basically a compromise with my wife. She liked some names, and I liked some others. I only wanted two things, really. Michael for a middel name, to honor a friend of mine who had recently passed away, and, a name unlike the first name the same as the last name. William Williams, Scotty Scott, Dick Richards, George Jorgenson, whatever. We have some friends who recently had their third child. Very interesting names! I like them. Zowie, Devlon, and Milt.

Milt's full name is Milton O'Toole Sherman.

I dig it.

We ended up with Connor Michael Jorgenson. I know connor seems to be one of the new fadish names, but we slipped it in before it started. My father in law calls him "The Highlander".

I see tons of kids with the latest "fad" names here at work. State names seem to be pretty hip these days (Dakota, Montana, etc). But I've found that the phenomenon of saddling children with certain names is just asking for a troubled child. For example, boys named Damian (regardless of the spelling) and girls named Crystal are pretty much doomed to end up in a residential treatment facility~it's almost a given!

I have to say that the name given to my boss's great grandchild amuses me to no end. Mostly because it really bothers her. Anyway, this beautiful little baby girl was given the name Elvira. You probably won't find a lot of other Elvira's in her preschool! Yikes!

Even though I was a bugged out by the "garbage" reference, I must, as a woman, commend you on your switch to boxer-briefs. My paramour showed up with a pair on for the first time the other night and I have to say that his already healthy endowment was even further enhanced to DaVinci-esque perfection. Gives a gal ideas, if you know what I mean. The bottom line is: Chicks dig 'em, so if you're smart, you'll pick up a 3-pack.

boxer-briefs rock

Even for those men with nicely sculpted buns who look just fine in bun-huggers, the boxer-briefs just look hot!

boxer-briefs rock

Faughk, this is what we've come to. Well, truth be told, I can rarely escape the consumer temple of Target without snagging a fresh supply of FTL boxer-briefs. They are indeed the Dope Shit. I keep a couple pairs of regulation boxers around for S&Gs, but the B-Briefs are may mainstay.

What's the general consensus on Ts? I wear a white Hanes t-shirt damn near every work day. While I favor the ol' Fruit of the Looms for undies, I digs the Hanes tees, yo! I picked up my first-ever 3-pack of V-necks a couple days ago. The verdict is still out. I looked in the mirror this morning and saw a skinny version of my Grandpa Hip. His name was Hugh Petersen McElwain, by the way, which I think is a truly kick-ass name.

I'm not feeling the v-necks. I think a nice wifey or plain white T, no stains under the arms, does a fella just fine. And no tighty whiteys under any circumstance! Well, unless you're doing some kind of role-playing thing ...

Guys, the girls wanna know--thongs or no? I will wear one for my guy, but grudgingly. I'd never wear one to work, although I seem to be in the minority here at my florescent-lit, sick-air corporate box job.

Gives a gal ideas, if you know what I mean

As long as we are gettin nas-tay, what kinda ideas we talkin about here?

Zowie, Devlon, and Milt

Wow! I usually come down on the side of disapproving of abnormal names, but those are pretty cool, I gotta admit. Especially Milt.

and girls named Crystal are pretty much doomed to end up in a residential treatment facility

That's almost a mathematical certainty. What is it about that name that appeals to what I might charitably call the dregs of society? I almost never hear that name unless I'm at Wal-Mart or an amusement park.

the girls wanna know--thongs or no?

I dig a thong on my woman in the sanctity of our own home, but I sure can't dig that public panty display that is all the rage nowadays. Raunch-o-rama! I'm all like "keep the drawers in the dresser, yo!"

I do have to make an exception on the Crystal-bashing in one case. We have a good friend with this name, who we've known since high school~ married, 2 beautiful and sweet kids, she and hubby own a Great Harvest bakery and bought a house near us. Definitely a success story, although I believe she could be identified as a "wild-child" during her younger years.

Anyway, her offspring are Chloe and Otis. That makes 2 little ones that I know given the name Otis. Then of course, there is Otis P. Otis...

I too was down with the tighty whiteys until about ninth grade or so. Then it was on to boxers. Only until the last couple of years did I migrate to the boxer brief. The major reason was mostly financial, however. While scampering around the racquetball court at the local YMCA, I noticed the continued use of the "action stance"(bent knees, low to the ground, ready to pounce on the next shot) led to an inevitable crotch blowout, even if the pair met current size standards. Playing a couple of times a week left me with pretty much shredded undergarmets subject to comical remarks in the ol' locker room. Hell, I had even lost 20 pounds, it wasn't like they were two size too small or something. I was convinced the nuthuggers would be broken out for athletic pursuits only, but the discovery of the clever product covered all the bases.

The state name thing has become popular around here, too. We know a couple that has a boy named Coy, and a girl named Talia. I thought those were pretty original.

I find it particulary interesting to watch the evolution of the name game, from our grandparent's names to the young uns coming into the world these days. My wife has Milton and Hughette, and I have a Wilberta, a great aunt Ethel, and a great grandmother whose name was Etta. The cycle goes on and on. What will the next cycle spit out? Should be interesting, if anything.

I'm the bookslinger/mom-of-colleague at the Highlands Ranch Library.....add "Madison" to the list of overused, trendy names for girls. You can find Madison kicking the polished, fine hardwood veneer of the the Circulation Desk and/or leaping across the striped pattern of the carpeting in the lobby, while incredibly oblivious mom talks on her cellphone. Eventually, she calls out mildly, "Madison, stop! Madison, come here! Madison, get down off the shelves!" Meanwhile, Madison continues to use the library like it's McDonald's Play Place down at the corner.

Both my sons switched from briefs to boxers when they hit middle school and had to dress out for gym in the locker room. Right, Dave?? But they really liked the Scooby-Doo print briefs when they were little guys. Can you imagine potty-training a kid and putting boxers on him? NO WAY!

Yale, where does your name come from, uh for the record.

Ann the Librarian, it pleases me immensely to welcome you to Yalestar's Internet Kvetchin' and Kursin' Korner. As you may have guessed, I was secretly hoping you'd chime in with some of those names you overhear at the li'berry. And I agree with you that Madison is one of the worst of the already bad batch of awful yuppie baby names. Moreover, I commend you on choosing normal names for your own kids. Even more moreover, I empathize with what must be the bane of your profession. Of course I'm talking about cell phone use in the library. As a librarian, your registering a complaint about such baleful social behavior should be taken extra seriously. It seems like no place is sacred enough for people to forestall their self-important walkie-talkie conversations; not the movie theatre, not the symphony, and not even the library. It's as if the constant shushing these people received from their grade-school librarians never really sunk in, even in their adult lives, and I (and many other Yalestar readers I'm sure) would like to go on record as stating publicly that USING A CELL-PHONE IN A LIBRARY IS TANTAMOUNT TO TREASON AND VIOLATORS SHOULD BE PUBLICLY FLOGGED AND PILLORIED.

Hughette, and I have a Wilberta

Those are crazy! And here I thought my grandmas' names were weird: Lavina and Leatrice.

Yale, where does your name come from

My dad says he was reading some book that had a character named Yale in it and he liked it enough to name me that. Strangely enough, to this day, he can't come up with the name of the book.

I'm not a big fan of my name at all, but my mom wanted to name me Jason, a name which I like even less than Yale. So I became Yale Jason. Most people tell me they like my name, but I never have liked it. Too precious or something. I don't even like hearing people say my name. Every time I have to give my name at a restaurant or something, I always say Steve, just to avoid one the inevitable "Gale? Dale? Braille? Stale? Al?" And then of course the extremely tiresome "Do you have a brother named Harvard/Stanford/Vassar etc.?"

Another thing that bugs me is that both me and my sister's names were unusual at the time we were born. My sister's name is Ashley, and when she was born in '73, Ashley was a pretty uncommon first name. She's actually named after the all-German town in North Dakota where my grandparents are from. But anyway, her name ended up being very common in the 80s, whereas mine is still a freak name.

But the weirdest thing about my name is that people see Yale Kaul for the first time, and I swear to you, six times out of ten, the person will pronounce it Yale Kale. Now, I feel like I have enough of a grasp of English morphology to understand how people come to mispronounce various words, but goddamn it, I have no idea how anybody gets "kay-ul" out of Kaul. Nobody says Pale McCartney or Pale Harvey. Nobody accidentally says, "I"m moving this weekend so I'm going to rent a U-Hale." And how many Americans have first names that rhyme with their last names anyway? "Hi, I'm Steve Weave. These are my buddies Mark Spark, Bill Grill, and Wayne Drain."

Also, I keep forgetting to mention that I have a cousin who has a son named Cal Kaul. Unbelieveable. I haven't seen this cousin since they had this kid, but I don't think I'll be able to be civil to him after this most egregious blunder.

Since becoming a high school teacher, I've been exposed to all sorts of cognomen. My personal favorites are: Jeanne (pronouced Ja-NAY), Harley (last name actually is Davidson), the occasional Cody, shitloads of Kyle, a couple Kimmies, and, my personal favorite, Jazzmin. Its all a bunch of child abuse.

I sure can't dig that public panty display that is all the rage nowadays.

Man, no doubt. I've seen females in the grocery store squatting down for the cheapest tomato sauce with the T of a thong reaching a full six (6) inches above the waistline of her super-lows.

Even worse is the truly disturbing trend of the fellas showing their butt cleavage. Remember when we all derisively called it Plumber's Crack? That is not cool. That is just dumb and sloppy. Am I wrong? Tell me I'm wrong!

Most stupid human nomenclature I have come across in awhile, is a new trend in compound jock names by jock dads. A Mariner player has a kid named Trevin. Which I assume is a combination of Kevin and Trevor. So you could combine say, Darrin and Blaine, and come up with Blarrin or some shit too. What compound jock names can you come up with?

Seriously check this out:

http://www.davidmsc.com/MT/archives/000504.html#000504

Re: Boxer briefs

They're f'n hot. Love Them.

Re: the name Madison

My ever-pregnant sister has a friend who named her daughter Madison and who was recently shocked to discover someone else had named their baby Madison. "It's such a unique name!" Just wait 'til she starts school...

Just to chime in on the terrible baby names...
My Mom is a pre-school teacher, and has found herself oftimes shocked at some of the names given to the toddlers in her class. They seem to follow a pattern, in that the boys names seem to get "tough guy" names, and the girls names lean towards slutty. For example:
Colter (parents are gun nuts?)
Slade (parents into Scottish butt-rock?)
Karyzma (all set for a career in exotic dancing)
Destiny (see above)
And the all time WORST-- The poor little girl's last name was Sapien. Wanna guess what her asshole parents named her? No shit- they named her Homo.

When I worked at Zimorino's, one of my favorite managers and his wife had themselves a couple of kiddies. The first little cherub was named Sam. Then came along their daughter, Ella. Both fine names individually, but, as I pointed out to my old boss~Sam & Ella? Salmonella? Classic.

My girfriend had an aunt whose first name was Ari and middle name was Zona..and to top that, she had an uncle named Dude. I wonder if the discussion we're having now has occured once every generation?

My parents decided to crown us with family middle names...mine being Ashley. As you can imagine, all throughout my grade school career, I was constantly harrassed with "Ashley, that's a girl's name!"...emotionally distressing when young, but now I really like having a family link to my middle name (instead of the stripper stage name). My brother and sister got family names too (which I think are cool too): Gardner and Ruffner respectively.

I remember one guy from Jesse Hall during my 1st year. His name was Doug Graves. Ouch.

Here's my list of funny names from high school:

Lori Weaselhead
Sunni Scroggins
Ruffles Allred
Billy Joe and Joey Bill Weimer

Years later, legend has it, Kelly from the Fireballs of Freedom had gotten a telemarketing job. At some point during his shift, he placed a call to the Weaselhead household. Poor Kelly broke into uncontrollable laughter and got fired for it.

As a young lass at Russell elementary, there was a girl in my class named Sunflower Mars. Her mother, Breeze, came to class a few times to attempt to teach us French. I have to admit that I was fascinated at her unshaven armpits~something I had never before seen in my short and sheltered life.

Anyway, I'm proud as merde to announce that I can still count from 1 to 10 in French!

I have to admit that I was fascinated at her unshaven armpits~something I had never before seen in my short and sheltered life.

Do any of the other Muhzooluhkids remember that patchworks puppet company? It was basically two hippie gals who would set up and put on shows in the park or wherever. That was the first example of hairy fem-pits I can remember seeing, and I was totally agog, as my old man would say. Always enjoyed the show they put on, too.

One of those women had a very serious daughter whom years later Bad Bill Garnett and I would try crack up every day in German class. Eileen Wachtel was her name. Dass hat viele Spass gemacht.